'Characters!' cried Hero pausing for dramatic effect.
'For the last time we're NOT characters' cried the group of soldiers in front of him, 'we're your loyal soldiers'. 'riiiight' said Hero knowingly 'So anyway the plan is you all sacrifice your lives so I can sneak in the back and bravely rescue the princess!'.
There was silence for a second after this. Then a soldier spoke up, 'Thats a TERRIBLE plan'
'Yeah' said one of the other soldiers 'And it doesn't sound very heroic'
'Why do are we even saving the Princess' queried another 'she's a stupid bitch...'
'She made me stand in front of her closet every night for two months because she was afraid of the monster inside' complained yet a third 'And those we're the two months she was in Blandoland negotiating how often we should exchange our life insurance information'
"why we're we doing that anyway?' piped up another 'how can a country have life insur...'
'BEHOLD' screamed a thin and slightly pathetic sounding voice 'I AM THE GREAT WIZARD'
Silence
'the great wizard of...?' said someone finally.
'Nothing' said The Great Wizard 'just The Great Wizard', then continued in his epic speech 'Now as you know here in Stereotypica we believe very strongly in the keeping up appearances, it is in the spirit of these appearances that we have staged this kidnapping so the Hero may look heroic'
'Wait so its not even a real kidnapping?' asked one soldier but before he could be answered the unit commander spoke up 'Sir! Are you going to save all our lives with some powerful spell?'
'Yes' said the wizard 'now stand back. The air crackled with magic, their was a cheap looking flash of multicolored light (and by multicolored we mean green with a spattering of other colors) and there was a strong and rather specific smell of leftover porridge and bananas. When the light cleared the scene was exactly the same except that all the soldiers had been replaced by penguins.
'Oh for fu...'
'How is this supposed to help?'
'DO NOT FEAR!' cried the Hero joyfully 'your impediment will only make your sacrifice more noble!

Thats all I can be fucked writing for now. Tune in in the near future for more updates. Or not